I am often asked how to deal with guilt.  To answer this question, we need to talk a bit about feelings in general.  In my experience, we really only have five emotions:

     Happy

     Loved

     Angry

     Sad

     Scared

We just have lots of words to express those emotions.  You will notice that “guilt” it is not on the list.  I consider guilt a “pseudo-emotion”.  There are certainly feelings associated with guilt, but essentially it is a pretender.  It is not pure emotion.  In order to “feel” guilt, you must first pass judgment on yourself.  You must deem that you have done something wrong or violated a moral code, in order to feel guilty. 

Once you pass the judgment on yourself, emotions will follow.  Think about the last time you felt really guilty about something.  Now ask yourself the following questions:

1. What judgment did I pass on myself?  Why did I think what I did was wrong?  Did I violate a moral code of mine? 
2. When I dig below my judgments, what emotions are there?  Did I become angry, sad, or scared?  What emotion dominates? 
3. Is there any part of me that felt happy?  Sometimes we feel guilty about something that really makes us happy because whatever we are doing is not “supposed” to feel good.  Skipping Aunt Bessie’s cat’s birthday party can bring lots of joy.  But the joy is often followed by a big serving guilt.  Declining the invitation seems too insensitive, but lying about having food poisoning does not reflect much integrity.  So you end up stuck with guilt.

In order to release ourselves from the experience of guilt, we need to know what we are feeling underneath the guilt.  The sensation of guilt is like a heavy, wet, cold blanket.  It weighs us down and prevents us from moving forward.

Once we know the underlying feeling, the next step is to look at how we use guilt.  The presence of guilt is not necessarily a "bad" thing.  Guilt is like a thermostat.  When we stray from our moral code, guilt pops up.  It reminds us that we are thinking or acting in a way that is inconsistent with our beliefs. 

Based on results, we use guilt to get our moral scales back in balance.  In other words, we attempt to buy our way back to feeling okay by feeling guilty.  Think about it.  The bigger the moral transgression, the more guilt we feel.  If we do something we think is really, really "bad", we feel guilty for a long, long time.  If we do something we think is only a little bit bad, we feel guilty for only a short time. The problem is that guilt alone is not enough to restore us to balance. 

When you use guilt as a “call to action”, you can take the appropriate steps to free yourself from the guilt. The type of action necessary depends on what we are thinking or doing that makes us feel guilty.  We may need to apologize or make amends to someone else, or we may need to forgive ourselves.  In the case of Aunt Bessie’s cat, could you possibly find a way to decline the invite without the lie?  Perhaps you could stop by for a few minutes, but make a choice to not spend the entire evening with kitty.  If it is too late and you have already lied, perhaps your call to action is to stop being dishonest when you are invited to events you would prefer not to attend.  Your time is valuable and you do have a right to say no to some invitations.  It is possible to be thoughtful and say no at the same time.

Consider another example.  Imagine that someone in your office tells you something in confidence.  The hot piece of gossip starts to burn a hole in your tongue, and you tell someone else.  Knowing that you breached the confidence, you begin to feel guilty.  You find yourself feeling more and more guilt every time you see your co-worker.  The guilt is not going to make you feel better; action is needed to restore yourself to balance.  You can probably relieve your guilty conscience by admitting your breach to your co-worker.  Additionally, you may need to forgive yourself for violating your moral code by divulging the secret.  If thoughts are causing you guilt, the secret is to either change or accept what you are thinking.  The guilt alone will not change anything.  Owning up to your mistakes takes courage.  Your inner chicken would rather feel guilty than actually admitting the wrong.

Forgiveness (defined as giving up the resentment or desire to punish) and making amends (defined as payment made or satisfaction given for injury or loss) are wonderful ways to resolve guilt.  Realize that the resolution of your guilt does not necessarily depend on receiving forgiveness.  They may not be able to forgive you, and they might not be willing to let you make amends.  This is an unfortunate scenario, but guilt will not do anything to change the situation.  When you have taken appropriate action, it is time to stop feeling guilty.  If you are spiritually oriented, ask your higher power help.   But remember, you cannot have a gift unless you accept it.

Is a certain amount of guilt necessary for an individual to be emotionally healthy?  I think so.  Although guilt can often be an enormous stumbling block for us to overcome, a complete lack of guilt is usually a serious problem as well.  In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (Fourth Edition), the American Psychiatric Association has described a person who experiences no guilt as having an "antisocial personality disorder."  These people are described as having a:  "...lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another."

Therefore, when our actions hurt others, a normal healthy individual is going to experience a certain amount of guilt.  The challenge is to not let it become an impediment to maintaining your emotional well-being.

In summary when you are feeling guilty, here are steps to put into action:

1. Identify what you did. 
2. Determine what judgment you have passed on yourself. 
3. Dig below your judgments to find what emotions are there.
4. Admit the wrong.
5. Make amends. 
6. Ask for and accept forgiveness.